if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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