And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
