There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
