I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
