Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
