there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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