Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
