did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
