I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
