I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
