he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
