I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
