I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
