I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
