Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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