it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize