I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
