I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
