As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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