So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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