the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
