remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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