How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
