Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
