I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize