I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
