I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
