The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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