You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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