Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
