Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize