Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
