I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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