Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
