I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
