i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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