Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
