I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
