Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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