I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
