He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
