Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
