I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
