I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
