why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
