i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
