I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
false alarm, still single
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