Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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