I cannot find my penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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