i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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