i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
