Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
