I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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