She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
