They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
bring money and cleavage
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
