The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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