It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize