I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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