Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize