you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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