I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
