People in love make me want to vomit
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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