I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
She's the barista slut.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
