I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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