Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
