You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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