don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
