the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
